One view of Hereford

This profile of Hereford has recently appeared on a 'Wikipedia' type website called 'Uncyclopedia'.

Hereford is a fine and ancient city on the banks of the River Wye. Known nationally as the home of cider, and of reigning European football champions, Hereford United, Hereford is renowned for its splendid architecture. The spacious and elegant estates of Newton Farm and Putson have been compared favourably with Vienna and Prague, whilst the ancient thoroughfare of Widemarsh Street is known as the Champs Elysée of England.

England's leading public school, Wyebridge Sports College is located in the cities exclusive South Wye district. Many of Britain's finest minds have been educated here, and some of them have even gone on to work in McDonalds or Tesco.

Hereford is also the only city in England which is forbidden by royal decree from ever having a bypass, lest travellers should accidentally pass through without experiencing the splendours of the world-renowned Belmont roundabout. This wonder of the modern world was completed in less than 10 years at a cost of only 150 million pounds, in order to bring the splendours of the George at Asda range of designer costumery to the grateful populous.

Hereford is home to the Chained Library, the world's largest collection of bondage books. It also houses the Mapa Mundi, a plan showing the first proposed route of the Rotherwas relief road. The people of Hereford are renowned for their wit, wisdom and cultural tastes. On any Saturday night at 1AM, the elegant ladies of the city are to be seen adorned in their traditional costume of micro skirt and dried vomit, dancing their elegant way across the inner ring road in beautifully choreographed staggering.

The Left Bank is a reasonably-priced eating establishment, where a plate of tapas and a glass of chardonnay can be obtained for under 50 pounds. Real foodies, however, prefer the intimate atmosphere and fine dining available at The Kerry Inn.

So, after a long day, sampling the delights that this famous market town has to offer, why not round the evening off, by taking a trip to the exquisitely designed 'cinema'? Situated conveniently close to one of the towns more popular (and loud) watering holes, you can watch any recently released film, (subject to council permission), and choose from any of the high tech screens (oops, screen) to watch said moving picture. The suprising added bonus of this experience, is to be able to hear the uplifting beats of the music from the club next door, just as the film reaches it's climax. An experience not to be missed.

After a long and proud history of independence, the county of Herefordshire was occupied by forces from Worcestershire in 1974. During the occupation, Herefordians were forbidden to use their native tongue, known as 'Erefudian, and instead had to adopt the sub-Birmingham nasally drone of the occupying forces. Brave Herefordians repeatedly committed acts of resistance such as erecting signs for Herefordshire along the ancient boundaries, only to have them torn down by the enemy. They also bravely continued to consume vast quantities of local cider to show their defiance. Many were publicly executed by the Worcester government, and an unfortunate few were subjected to the cruel and inhumane torture of being taken to the Gay Meadow in Shrewsbury and forced to watch the local version of aerial ping-pong which took place there on Saturdays.

Hereford regained it's independence in 1998, although all the jobs and government money went to Worcester, not that Herefordians are bitter about this, no siree.

Hereford is ruled by the Monster Raving Looney Party, whose leader, the mysterious Parkabull, lives in a north London squat with a number of rock stars. Although he is never seen in the city, Parkabull issues daily edicts on all issues from religion to season ticket sales. These are delivered through his personal website. The democratic process in the city consists of citizens rising to his bate until they go quietly mad.

The Edgar Street Grid scheme is a splendid project to re-develop the northern part of the city whilst simultaneously transferring large amounts of public and taxpayers cash into the pockets of mysterious private 'investors'. It will certainly be a tremendous surprise if it later transpires that any corruption took place.

Hereford is home to reigning European Champions Hereford United, who play at the 60,000 seater San Cowshedio stadium. Premier League champions for the last 3 years, United and their manager, Graham Turnip, are currently the subject of criticism from some supporters for their revolutionary plan to field only 7 players in games next season. Turnip has recently lashed out at these supporters, and it is widely anticipated that Ronaldinho will be unveiled as the club’s newest signing very shortly. Said Turnip, "Ronaldinho will bring the playing staff to 8, thus undermining the boo boys completely".

David Beckham, who owns a villa in Bullinghope, has been constantly linked with a move to the Bulls, and Beckhams wife, Victoria, was recently seen shopping for jewellery in the cities' upscale boutique, Primark. However, it is thought the Bulls would have trouble matching his current salary of 3 squillion pounds a year without a massive increase in sponsorship from local websites, which has been ruled out by Mr. Turnip. In a shock recent development however, the Bulls News website has offered 8 million pounds to fund Mr. Beckham's tracksuits, and a deal may now be on the cards.

Herefordshire is also known for its famous darts player Terry 'The Bull' Jenkins. He throws arrows at a board whilst fat drunks and cheap slags with spare tyre waists watch and pour cheap lager down their throats. But he's pretty good at it.

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